Things I Might Say When Having a Few Beers with God, Shortly After My Arrival in Heaven

by Thomas Fish

Was I a close call?

 

Did anyone arrive in an Alfa Romeo?

 

Did you ever send anyone to hell in a handbasket?

 

Can I see the water into wine trick?

 

I bet you would do really well on Jeopardy.

 

How many hairs did I have on my head at the time of my death?

 

Was my death really an accident?

 

If you decide to reincarnate me and send me back, what are my choices?

 

Do you only eat kosher?

 

Have you ever lost faith?

 

Besides Donald Trump, what are your greatest failures?

 

What’s with the earwigs and cockroaches?

 

Where are your parents?

 

You know, you look older than you do in our paintings.

 

A priest, a rabbi and a minister go into a bar…

 

Is the Apocalypse really necessary, or did you just get really pissed one millennium?

 

Know any good carpenters?

 

It’s a bit chilly up here, can you turn up the heat?

 

Where is that friendly ghost I’ve heard so much about?

 

For the record, 

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

 

You know, you seem awfully sure of yourself. 

 

I know I have a birth mark. Do I have a death mark? A rebirth mark?

 

Here is a list of people I want you to hit with lightning bolts.

 

I guess these Yankee tickets aren’t good anymore, eh?

 

Oh God, this beer is heavenly. 

 

[God nods, smiles and gets up to leave]

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Wait! Just one more thing.

 

Can I get your autograph? 

 

[God sighs, but acquiesces]

 

That’s great! 

 

Just sign here under Sir Paul McCartney.

About the Author

Thomas A. Fish is a retired university professor of psychology from Atlantic Canada. He has since turned his attention to Seinfeld reruns, freelance editing and creative writing pursuits. His work has been published in The Nashwaak Review, Transition magazine, The Saint Croix Courier, Blue Collar Review, The Artery and on feathertale.com. Finally, by all reports, Thomas is not aging gracefully.